Sunshine💫🙏🥀

Hey, this page is a little old from November, I just found it so I figured I’d send it to you.

🌠🌤

My motto 💓**DONT💟 JUGDE ME ❣JUST LOVE ME💖💞

☀🌞🌥i want to say hey to everybody tonight and I want to apologize to anyone who has seen my blog, I struggle with ADD and it causes me to jump around to many different things I have told you I truly love writing. I know I still got some learning to do but I will conquer being a good writer. I truly want to find me a place to fight and stand up for people that are struggling with depression, mental disorder, and PTSD. I feel it gets overlooked way to much and medication is only a part of it. I’ve experienced my share of traumas, addictions, depression, PTSD, and manic depression so I truly have been there. I was looked over and called crazy , disrespected and also being an addict or recovering addicts they get the same partial treatment. I was perfect at being the queen of “fake it til you make it.” I ended up at 27 choosing drugs and alcohol to kill my pain and sadness, but now I have been clean and sober for 6 years currently healing and daling with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. But it came clear to me that I had to either accept what is and say the hell with it all and be done with life, or find my place in healing. I was that tired of being sad and tired of being the victim of my life I wanted to be a survivor. I wanted to feel love again, I wanted some happiness again. I hope the same for you because I know somehow it can be done im doing it.

But we need each other and not worry about the people that judge or hate on you. There’s a lot of people who get there strength from watching other people in pain or fail. So the way I see it they must be mentally unwell also thanks for giving me just a little time I’m great ful til next time ❤️

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Me and these medications

Hello to the world today I hope all’s well I’m having a fair day my celexa doesn’t seem to have many side effects but it’s not really helping me either so I will have to try another that drives me bonkers I swear okay so I told you I tried zoloft and got stuck on it for about 10 yrs it had miid side effects not to bad but I guess I ignored the part where you don’t mix alcohol with it so bottom line I tried committing suicide like 4 times I want to tell you about the last time I tried to kill myself I was drink of course so I decided I was tired of hurting in my mind and heart so I took like 90 zoloft bout 20 lortabs and some other stuff so I finally laid in the floor beside my purse at this time my baby son was 2yrs old or so anyways my purse got knocked over and a picture of him fell out at that moment I was on my way out of consciousness I started praying to God please don’t let me die if you let me live I want try to kill myself again then I woke up 2 days later and to this day I have thought about it but I haven’t tried it again that’s been 9 yrs ago so back to what I started taking after zoloft so I was put on wellbutrin and I felt so tired and draggy so I didn’t like it so then I give effexor a try and no no no I hated it my brain was foggy I didn’t wanna talk so it wasn’t for me my dr seems to stay with the ssri’ which I think may not work for me that’s what I mean when I say we got to stand up and be heard when it comes to our mental health cause we are not all the same and they don’t care about the individuality we carry they have us go with the flow and it’s ok to start that way but we have to stand up and have a voice we know what we feel or what’s working needing help doesn’t make us ignorant even though alot of folks feel that way and if you can’t then have someone to help in your best interest we all deserve to be happy and enjoy our lives hugs and kisses to you all

By the way this was write a couple months back also so I hope it’s ok I can tell I’ve gotten a little better at writing 🌷

Sunshine💫🙏🥀

Hey there this page is kinda old from November I just found it so I thought I’d send it to you.

☀🌞🌥i want to say hey to everybody tonight and I want to apologize to anyone who has seen my blog I struggle with ADD and it causes me to jump around to many different things I have told you I truly love writing I know I still got some learning to do but I will conquer being a good writer for my blog I truly want to find me a place to fight and stand up for people that are struggling with depression, or mental disorder,ptsd, I feel it gets overlooked way to much and medication is only a part of it. I’ve experienced my share of traumas, addictions, depression, ptsd, and manic depression so I truly have been there I was looked over and called crazy , disrespected and also being an addict or recovering addicts they get the same bullcrap treatment. and I was perfect at being the queen of “fake it til you make it.” So I ended up at 27 choosing drugs and alcohol to kill my pain and sadness, but now I have been clean and sober for 6 years currently healing and dealing with my depression, Add, anxiety, and ptsd but it came clear to me that I had to either accept what is and find a way to heal or say the hell with it all and be done with life, I was that tired of being sad and tired of being the victim of my life I wanted to be a survivor and I hope the same for you because I know somehow it can be done im doing it, but we need each other and not worry about the people that judge or hate on you there’s a lot of people who get there strength from watching other people in pain or fail so the way I see it they must be mentally unwell to thanks for giving me just a little time I’m great ful til next time ❤️

🌠🌤

My motto 💓**DONT💟 JUGDE ME ❣JUST LOVE ME💖💞

No love or respect

I was thinking about depression today as I do alot of days and how you made it through a crazy last year there was a lot of pain and sadness and tragedies but good or bad you made it I really wish I could help people understand how depression makes you feel inside and out plus the beautiful strength you have,. people tend to want to say it’s in your head and have no empathy or compassion which then makes the depressed person feel even worse we have got to give up the judging of people even if you don’t understand you can still show compassion we really need that depression and mental disorders absolutely does not discriminate at all and you can’t just look at someone and judge there life when it comes to these issues you it’s a real shame the ignorance so many people share on these issues that’s the reason I decided to do my blog so maybe I could reach somebody and try to help them understand that we are real people with real struggles I truly don’t understand how people chose to disrespect and disregard with folks that deal with these issues I do know they have contributed to helping keep us isolated and ashamed to get the help we need like I’ve said before I know this because I have lived the judgements and being called crazy or my favorite one is its just in your head ain’t nothing wrong with you, and of course this one just don’t be depressed as if I can stop and start it plus many more. But I will say this it seems the world trys to keep the mentally unwell and also the addicts on the ground as if being a recovering addicts or trying to cope with our illness isn’t hard as hell they got to make us feel shameful and want to hide. Thanks so much for letting me talk to you and you reading this I feel I will find my way to be heard standing up for you in these areas til next time friend

Biggest loss of all

You know even though I dont know whether you or anyone else will read this or not but it has felt so very healing to put all these things in words but as I mentioned this is just from 2010 to 2017 my other trauma started in 1986 I just really felt I needed to deal with this part at the moment. My sweet sister Margie has told me several times to write a book on my life that’s truly my goal some day , I guess it’s time to get to the loss that was truly the greatest and the hardest thing I haven’t been able to deal with in my whole life on Nov 20 2017 my moma had a massive heart attack but she hung on for 3 days so her 5 kids could tell her bye that’s what I think so my sister called me at work and said moma passed out so I left work, I got to the hospital and she was in a coma the dr was honest and said she had 100% blockages and she was in bad shape ,it felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest I couldn’t hardly breathe 💔 I couldn’t stop crying as the days came she never woke up, so it was Thanksgiving the 23rd which also was my son’s bday I asked my mom and the lord for her not to pass on his bday so after 12am I I told my mom she could go I will be ok it’s time for you to rest now and I love you she passed about 6am Nov.24 , I was like in a nightmare I loved her so much but I didn’t know just how much til she was gone I look in the mirror I look just like her I have needed my moma so bad in the last 3 yrs and I am so stuck I don’t know how to grieve for her I don’t know how to be ok without her I am so lost I feel there was so much time wasted and words not said that haunts me to this day and I also walked away from my family in 2013 to be with someone who wanted to abuse me but that’s for another time my point to this is we can be mentally ill we could have made alot of wrong choices and we may have suffered oh my we suffered we truly can get better and still have hopes and dreams and get the help we need, we can make it if we just start healing and facing these things which keep us depressed and broken grief sucks but go through it healing is waiting

More of my losses

So after my loss of a beautiful babygirl with the adoption adds more pain I didn’t work through so maybe a year or so later and I’m trying to be as accurate as I can with these things but memory does get affected the more we go through in life ya know, anyway my uncle jackie passes away but he was a different loss for me my pain from him was from the sex abuse when I was a child but was hoping when I was healed enough I could tell him how I felt about what he done to me I was so scared as a kid cause he said he would kill my dad his own brother so he went to his grave without being told how wrong he was but it was just another thing I had to deal with .I want to make sure you all know I have never grieved or dealt with any of these losses ,what I did do was drink ,and drink alot, and fighting with people I was so angry so I pushed myself away from my family and didn’t care what drama or pain I brought anybody as long as they could feel just a little of my pain. Now we come to my dad whom I was led to believe was my uncle until I was 13 that was because his brother was married to my mom so the man I grew up with was really my uncle and stepdad but whatever on that for now my real dad and I loved each other but he was an alcoholic and had emphysema so our relationship wasn’t as close as it should have been and now that leads me to the night he passed I kissed him and let him go even though I wanted him to stay ,well my normal reaction was cry for 24 hrs and then pretend it didn’t exist but this time I was alcohol free for him and me so I cried a lot more than 24 hrs this time I havent had a drink in 6 yrs but I was suffering from what could have and, what should have been said just another piece of my painful puzzle and I know you understand just how hard this is to get all out so it may take a few more posts before I’m done with my losses from 2010……to be cont..

Sadness since 2010

I need to to get these things out of my head I am in the healing years of my life and it goes all the way back to 1986 but I want to start with 2010 first of all I struggle and have struggled with depression, bipolar,and ptsd inherited and brought about from childhood abuse so in 2010 I lost my grandmother she meant alot to me she was always there for our family growing up she was so classy and ladylike she was a strong woman who raised 8 sons on her own so she was tough she was everything I wanted and hoped to be like instead of my own mom I got to see my granny about 4 mos before she passed I was caught up in my own issues I didn’t get to say bye I went to her funeral I had a new baby boy noah I put his pacifier in her casket I also had a new husband as messed up as I was I had no reason to be married to him but I wanted to be right in gods eyes so as we come upon jan 2012 our marriage finally blew up I had chose someone who had severe sexual issues I mean I seen alot of it before then, so he went to prison over sexual assault with a prostitute on top of what I had already been through in my life I was shattered and here come my addictions to alcohol.pills.i had a nervous breakdown I tried to commit suicide I was full of anger and rage I went to bars to find women to fight I went to jail for 5 months and now its Feb 2013 I was so lonely I met a guy I kinda new from along time ago jumped into a relationship and he just got out of jail and had to go to rehab in better days I would not of chose someone like that I abused him and he abused me and oh yeah I was 5 mos pregnant when we met so I found out I was having a girl and after all the abuse and pain I lived through from the hands of my so called father I could not allow myself to raise that litte girl so I gave her up for adoption another loss I had to deal with

Sad day for history🇱🇷

Hey you all I normally🇺🇲 don’t discuss politics much I have learned people have there owned opinions and it can cause arguments I have done a lot of customer service work and talking politics was a no-no so I’m not giving my opinion on the president or president to be but what I saw today at the capital hasn’t even been done for 200 yrs so it doesn’t matter what our political views are cause today was terrible it didn’t look like America and it saddens my heart that anybody would feel that need to be done its ok to believe or feel how you want but if it involves violence or breaking the law then that’s not ok that doesn’t solve anything I can only hope we can see wrong for what it is we are America so let’s stay the land of the free and home of the brave lets stañd for whatever we believe with our voices, not violence 🇱🇷

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